I grew up with a pen in one hand and a notebook in the other. From the moment I was able to grasp a writing utensil, I was quietly scribbling on endless pages of mini notepads, bedazzled with rhinestones or coated with an intricate Lisa Frank print. The words weren’t necessarily coherent sentences, or even words at all, but they meant something to me--and that’s what mattered. I loved writing. I loved the way I was able to use words to paint a picture in my mind and then share that picture with other people. Even from a young age, I felt as though my understanding of words was special; a cozy safeguard in my mind that I could escape to in moments of stress or worry. I loved to journal; maybe not as frequently as some, but when I did journal the joy I found was immense.

In one of my college admission essays for the University of Michigan, I said: “Writing is my safe haven and security. Without it I would truly be lost in an abyss of unknown” (Me, College Admission Essay, 2013). Although this sentiment may be really dramatic, I truly did love writing. I loved the way I was able to control the words I put onto a page; to be able to say exactly what I was feeling by intricately placing certain words and letters next to each other. However, I would quickly learn that the feelings of control I experienced while writing would metastasize into a larger issue.

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        As I started college I realized that I was so caught up in the practice of controlling words that the idea of writing as my personal safe haven had become distorted by a self-inflicted practice of perfection. I was overcome with an internal pressure to do really well in college. So in order to combat this pressure I needed to write the best essays with the most sophisticated word choices and theses. And the result ended up being pretty boring, yet “A-worthy” shit.  As an example, the thesis for my first Communications 102 paper went a little something like this:

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“By implementing personalization and fragmentation within their articles, these three newspapers all produce news that is full of attention-grabbing content and perception altering stories, all in an effort to reinforce the profitable nature of the newspaper” (Me, COMM 102, 2013).

 

Looking at this essay now I can’t stop myself from asking Where is my creativity? Where is the passion and urgency? What was I doing?! Alas, this paper--this one very boring thesis--was definitely not my last.

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        Writing became an anxious uphill battle. Every time I would sit down to write an essay or a blog post or even an email my whole body would become tense. I felt completely inadequate as a collegiate writer, regardless of the generally good grades I was receiving. My internal perfection monitor had tricked my mind into believing I was a terrible writer, and in turn my passion for writing became numb, and for a short time almost obsolete. My work had become entirely run by my fear of failing, and for that reason I did not stray away from what I knew would bring me success in my classes. During this time in my life I was battling intense anxiety, depression, and obsessive-compulsive disorder, which you can read more about here. Everything in my life, not just my writing, needed to be controlled and regimented. Fear was at the core of everything I did, resulting in an inability to stray from perfection no matter how hard I tried.

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        So somewhere in all the mess of fear and anxiety and depression, I decided to apply to the Minor in Writing through the Sweetland Center for Writing. I was seeking counseling at this point for my mental health disorders, but still had pretty low self-esteem when it came to my writing. However, some supportive friends told me they thought the program would be a really great fit for me and pushed me to apply.

I am seriously not exaggerating when I say the first gateway course of the Minor in Writing was life-changing. Seriously, I am not just saying this because I feel like it will get me a better grade--although freshmen year Maddy may have done so. The course was, and still is, so important to my career as a writer because it was the first time I was able to truthfully and honestly write about my mental illnesses. I even say it myself in my “Why I Write” piece for the gateway course: “The only way I knew how to sort through the cluttered mess inside my mind and understand what was truly going on was to write about it” (Me, Writing 220, 2015). And that’s what I did. My “Re-purposing” piece for the gateway course explored my experience with obsessive-compulsive disorder, a disorder that has been present my entire life, but became prevalent once I started college. The experience of writing about the exact thing that was hindering my creativity and freedom of expression through writing was liberating. Along with therapy and a deep-dive into my Christian faith, I do have to credit some of my current wonderfully free and complex mental state to that gateway course piece.

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        I would definitely love to say that after writing my “Re-purposing” piece for Writing 220 I was cured from any and all control I placed on myself while writing. However, that wasn’t always the case. But one thing I did notice was that, more and more, I was using writing not as a way to control the world around me, but as an opportunity for me to share a little more of myself with the world.

It all started in my English 225 class tilted Academic Argumentation. I was tasked with writing an essay about persuasion techniques, so naturally I decided to talk about how Shinola’s branding campaign worked to garner customers and increase sales (as a Communications major and future marketer these are things I think about pretty regularly). However, instead of starting the essay with a generic introduction, I decided to put a little bit more of my personal voice into the piece and start the essay like this:

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“Rows of glass boxes sit on top of crisp mahogany tables. The boxes are filled with soft leather-bound journals and polished watches. On the walls, there are photographs of an old Detroit accompanied by large, shiny bicycles with brown leather seats. The air smells like cow-hide and coffee—a barista station is set up near the front door. These are the sights and smells of the new luxury leather goods store on Main Street in Ann Arbor, Michigan. ” (Me, ENGLISH 225 Essay 4, 2016).

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Pretty engaging right? This was the first time I felt comfortable using my creativity in an essay that was otherwise seen as strictly academic (the class was called Academic Argumentation after all). I was learning that it was okay to step out of the box a little and use things like descriptive details in order to get my point across. And the best part was that I was actually having fun while writing again! Writing was beginning to be a place where I could feel entirely myself and feel comfortable sharing those vulnerable inner parts with the world. It’s weird to think of a simple descriptive introduction as being a very vulnerable hurdle; however, I had never before allowed myself to write college essays with description and creativity because I was afraid of failing. This essay was a large stepping stone to finding greater freedom through writing and feeling comfortable exploring that new-found freedom.

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        As my time in the Minor in Writing continued, I began to experiment with more and more description and creativity in my papers, essays, blog posts, and even emails (Instead of signing off my emails with “Best” I would say “Joy”--scandalous!). An example of this can be found in one of my latest Communication Studies papers for a class on global visual culture. I was asked to analyze a personal photograph for basic visual principles. Instead of choosing a dry, analytical approach to the paper, I decided to make it very personal and talk about what the photo meant to me, in addition to analyzing the photo as a piece of visual culture. Here’s a quote:

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“As a chronic lover of all things aesthetically pleasing to the eye, I have always been drawn to the quaint and quiet nature of arcades. I love the way the shops line up in a row, their large windows showcasing dainty trinkets and glamorous jewels. I adore the light that filters through the window-paned ceiling and the intricate architecture of the tall brick columns” (Me, COMM 455 Paper 1, 2016).

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I felt this eagerness while writing this essay to give the audience a picture into what I was feeling the day I took the photo. This eagerness for the personal was unlike any I had experienced before in college, but it ultimately allowed me to share more about myself with the reader and create a more engaging essay. Writing was becoming an opportunity for me to allow other people a peek into all of the crazy, creative, and genuine thoughts inside my head. And I finally had the courage to make this opportunity a reality.

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        I became more and more comfortable with understanding my writing as an opportunity to share my voice with the world. Writing wasn’t really about controlling anything anymore; heck, it was about letting everything go and just being myself. As I became more confident in my writing ability I, surprisingly, saw a third shift in my experience as a writer--I was writing to not only share my voice, but to uplift the voices of others. It all started when I took a class on race and video games (yes, the class was as amazing as it sounds). For the final project I had to create a video game that discussed racial inequality in society along with another theme of our choice. Being white, I have had no experience with being oppressed due to the color of my skin. Thus, I decided to do a little bit of research in order to make my video game a more authentic representation of racial inequality:

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“In order to create a video game that represented the views of people of color and stay away from harmful stereotypes, I personally spoke with a few of my friends who identify as Asian-American and African-American. Those conversations were very helpful in shaping how I thought about the characters of my video game; specifically in the way I would craft the relationships between the main character and his friends and family” (Me, AMCULT 334 Design Document, 2016).

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I found that through interview and conversation, I was able to learn more about other groups of people and in turn try to empower those voices. Now this in no way makes me a “savior,” nor do I think my video game was the most perfect representation of racism in America. However, I did learn that taking time to talk with people of other identities meant a lot to those people and it helped to change my perspective as a person and a writer. And ultimately, my ability to write about other people came from my confidence in myself as a writer.

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        So jump forward a semester or so. I am now in my capstone course for the Minor in Writing. I have just been introduced to the capstone project and my mind is spinning with a million thoughts at once. What am I ready to spend a semester learning and writing about? My mind immediately jumps to the many discussions I’ve had regarding mental health--an identity I feel very comfortable talking about. However, I remember at the same time all of the growth I have had throughout the two years in the Minor. What if I did something kind of scary? So I decided to leap. I decided to write about the oppression of women of all different identities within the history of one of my favorite places in the entire world, the University of Michigan. There were so many things terrifying about this project: understanding oppression I had no experience with (race, class, religion, etc.), critiquing an institution I have come to know and love, finding a way to represent experiences of all University of Michigan women, and the list goes on and on. But I made the decision to leap and that was what I was going to do.

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        I truly believe that my ability to write not only for myself, but so that others can have a safe space to share, was due to the increased confidence I have found in my writing ability. I feel as though my words can change the world, and I want to give other people the ability to do that as well. My capstone project includes a historical timeline of notable and powerful women in University of Michigan history, each with their own detailed biography of what makes them a badass umich woman. In addition, I interviewed five wonderful women from all walks of life and identities who attend the University of Michigan. This project would not have been possible if it weren’t for the support I had received early on in the Minor, as well as the ability for me to see that my words are worth sharing with the world.

As I continue to write post-graduation, I hope to come back to this tiny memoir to remind myself that writing is not about control. Writing is about creativity and voice and freedom. Writing is a way to express myself and to empower others. And that truth is something I will cling to for the rest of my life.